Long time
I am typing this on my spiffy new computer, which I adore. I’ve discovered itunes, and love it. So in the silly materialistic way of things, things are dandy. Isn’t that grand?
Watched Playing by Heart for the millionth time Tuesday. I love that movie, I always cry a lot watching it but it’s so wonderful. If you haven’t seen it yet, what are you waiting for? Sheesh. hehe.
Right now I’m humming along with Waiting on an Angel by Ben Harper and pondering if I want to watch a movie or not. The things I share with the people that read this, I tell you.
I’ve sort of decided this site will be for the every day to day sort of stuff, kathibabble, ranting about the world, etc. The more personal stuff will end up in my livejournal, so if you want the deep dish on me, you’ll have to get a LJ and add me.
Tomorrow I am getting a haircut. It’s really about time, I am getting tired of looking like a distant relative of cousin it. I love how I always wait until I can’t remember when I got my last haircut to think “Oh yeah, I need a haircut.” I mean, I LIVE in the backend of a freaking hair salon! I’m silly. (Why do I think no one is surprised by my saying that?)
Has anyone noticed a crapload of TV shows are showing reruns for the next few weeks? SVU, Criminal Intent & L&O were all reruns this week and I think they all are next week. Angel won’t be on for a little over a month. *clings to the new Alias episodes* As much as I love the Law & Order shows and Angel, after seeing a particular episode for the millionth time I do start to wonder what else is on. (Yes, I know I can always not watch the rerun, but.. they’re my favorite shows!! hehe)
Although, I did catch the Jennifer Lopez bashing South Park episode, and even though I’ve seen it a few times, I still laughed myself silly.
I’m thinking of a mix cd track list. Once I figure out what tracks, I’ll post the list here for everyones opinion.
I have a cat
His name is Bud. He’s currently watching my typing with little interest and patiently waiting for me to take a typing break so I can pet him. I’m housesitting for my parents until Monday, and with the exception of watching Lost in Translation & Under the Tuscan Sun, I’ve been pretty bored and mopey. Both movies were fabulous, by the way. Under the Tuscan Sun makes me want to run away to Italy. A girl can dream, can’t she.
Moodwise, I’ve been sleeping quite a bit so I haven’t really dwelled on anything. It’s sort of hard to be sad, when you have a cat here that’s either driving you insane with meows or on your lap waiting for affection. I mean, at night Bud will come into the room I’m in and just look at me and I automatically think, “Is it bedtime?” When I do go to bed, he hops on the bed and we both fall asleep. He has one part of the bed, I have the rest. He can be such a bed hog when he wants to be. heh. And when he’s ready for food, usually at 5 am, he wakes me up, I feed him, and we both go back to bed. Since I know he is not like this with just my parents around, I feel a tad.. used? hehe kidding. I adore Bud to no end, and he tends to never let me forget it. hehe.
Moodwise, I’m not okay, but I’m not terrible. My doctor doubled some medications I’ve been taking, which hasn’t really done anything. If anything indulging myself in some aromatherapy has helped more than the pills. Oh well.
My new computer shipped 2/20 (Yesterday).. 6 days early. Very cool. With any luck I’ll be on my new computer before this next week is out? I hope so. I’m excited. Can you tell I’m a geek? Ha, thought so.
It’s sort of interesting, being here at my parents house, the house that I grew up in. I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I see myself as a child. I wonder how I got this far, and I wonder why I’m here. Some people never find out why they’re here and how they got to where they are now. I hope someday I do.
Release
The past week, I felt good. It’s amazing how almost a whole week of good feelings can go down the crapper in an instant. I went from feeling content and semi pleased with things to scratching my arms randomly in hopes the distraction would override the mess of thoughts jumbled in my head. Spent most of the day in tears, tried my hardest not to cry infront of my coworkers and I wanted desperately to leave but I didn’t. I had rather unpleasant thoughts, my mother is in Oregon probably freaking out that I’ll do something stupid, but I won’t. I promised I wouldn’t, and I will keep that promise.
I don’t know what to think right now. I’m stressing, my face is breaking out because everything hurts so much and when I get depressed like this I tend to ‘wig’ (yes, occasionally Kathi does quote a buffy phrase) so not only am I depressed, I want to throw a paper bag over my head. Lovely. I just had a terrible day Saturday and everything that I pushed down and away from myself just came right back up and I’ve been trying not to drown ever since. I normally try very hard not to let work things get to me. Customers are ridiculous twats that I would normally throw off a cliff and be done with it, but having so many people screaming and calling you names, saying that you’re incompetent and how much they hate your company does grate on ones nerves. And the more frustrated I got that these twats would not just shut the fuck up, the more mistakes I caught myself making. The more mistakes I caught myself making, the more pissed off and upset I got. It got to be quite depressing. All I wanted to do was crawl under a rock and never come out. Once the depression monster grabs a hold of me, I have to fight very hard for him to loosen his grip.
I just saw my doctor last week about other things, he mentioned wanting to up some of my meds but I sort of balked at the idea so we didn’t. I hate being dependant on my pills, but if they help I take them. My mother made me promise to try and call him again, she no longer thinks wellbutrin is helping me. I’ve got an appointment to see my therapist next week. All I want is for the screaming inside of my head to just shut up. I want the self doubt to go away, I want to not be afraid. If I have to be on meds to do that, fine. If I have to take another leave of absense from my job to do that, fine. I want someone to hold me and tell me I’ll be OK, no matter what happens. But the more I sit at my desk and listen to screaming customers along with my mind screaming at me, the more I want to wash myself away with the tide, just so I can get a moments peace.
Breathe
Well, I finally saw Alien. My coworkers can be happy that I have corrected the utter travesty of my not seeing this movie. Twas good, very creepy. I screamed a few times, my sister told me I was probably going to jump so it was probably good she was prepared for that.. hehe. All I can say is I am better than my mother with regards to scary/suspensful movies. There is a reason why my Dad won’t let my mom hold onto him while they watch a movie together. Next on my movies to watch within the next few days list is Lost in Translation. I bought the movie a week ago, is high time I sat down and watched it.
Have loads of Thai food left, I always tend to buy lots so it will feed me for a few days… anyone want to come over and eat some with me? Have I mentioned I love living near a thai food restaurant?
I was in lalaland at work today. My mind kept wandering and I don’t think it helped.. but I was at least smiling while I was thinking of a certain person instead of thinking about work… Customers were okay, a bit off, but what else is new. I’ll be glad when Sunday gets here so I can sleep in and lounge around in bed and watch movies and stuff. Then I work Monday - Friday and I’ll actually have the whole weekend off! For the first time in over a month!! I’ll be housesitting that weekend, but still! hehe.
I would like to say that I love my cell phone. OK, I love the wallpaper. It’s a picture of Marlin & Dory from Finding Nemo. It’s so cute! I love that movie. “I shall call him Squishy and he will be mine..” [insert Kathi giggling here]
I just feel.. so comfortable and content right now. Like I’ve finally came out of a shadow that had been consuming me for so long. Words just can’t express how it feels… but if I could I’d bottle it up and keep it forever.
Winds of change have blown
So this is wordpress, b2s spawn. I sort of like it, I hope it’s easier to customize than MT was. Going to install some hacks, but that will wait until I actually figure out how I want imaginarylight.net to look! Getting all the content ready is going to be easy, I just need to sit down and take care of it, designing the layout is going to be difficult as my HTML skills tend to be on the crappy side. I don’t know tables at all, and I’m thinking I want a table styled layout. Oh well, I can always IM homefriez and ask her for help, since she is a goddess. *nod*
Things went from horribly confusing to rather enjoyable in just a day. I discovered how easy it is to talk to a certain someone, and that makes me feel wonderful. I don’t know what is going to happen in the future, but no matter what does happen… for the first time in a long time, I feel special. I feel special on my own sometimes, but when someone else makes you feel special, it’s a whole different and good ball of wax. I rather like it.
Work was horrendous, I think customers forgot to take their midol as they were especially bitchy. My computer at work was running horribly slow, so it made ME crabby as I can’t stand trying to work with a crappy computer. So it made for a non fun time. Hopefully today (today being Thursday) will be better.
Bush is planning on pushing through an amendment I believe, to ban gay marriages. Let me just say that if this goes through I’m packing my things and moving to Canada. I already have issues with Bush as it is, but for this to happen just offends me on a new level. Bush is against gay marriage because he believes homosexuality is wrong, immoral, against God. I honestly, 110% believe that if we as a country want to make steps to improve human rights and the liberties of this country we need to act in the best intrest of EVERYONE. If I wanted to marry Angelina Jolie, hell, I should be allowed to do so! The government has no buisness intervening in the rights of gay people. If Angelina Jolie was my SISTER and we wanted to marry, then yes, fine, no. But otherwise, shut the fuck up and stay out of it. I’m tired of living in a country where our LEADER only cares about groups that he chooses to care about. Hes the fucking president, he should care about every last person in America, gay or not. (sporks Bush) /end rant
In other words.. well, there are no other words, as I think curling up in bed is in order.